“I see a conditional ‘yes,’” I answered. I reminded her that intuitive information is a snapshot of the moment the reading takes place and is the likely outcome if no other action is taken. The vision I’d actually seen was Katy failing the exam after not studying enough. As I didn’t want to leave her feeling disempowered, I shared this vision and explained that I could see her passing only if she studied more than she’d planned to; in other words, even when she felt like she had a solid understanding, to continue studying and reviewing the material anyway. Our reading continued for the next hour, and I was sure to close with a reminder that studying more than she originally thought necessary would provide her with the confidence and knowledge to pass.
Several weeks later Katy texted me as she exited the first of her exams, feeling extremely confident that she passed. She said she hadn’t studied too much because she breezed through the practice exams. Before I had a chance to reply she called me.
“I just found out I didn't pass. I’m devastated. I just want to finish, it's taking so long. I cannot catch a break. I’m just heart broken!”
“That’s terrible news, I’m so sorry to hear...”
“Am I bad person?” Katy interrupted me.
“Of course not. This isn’t a punishment.”
“Why, then? Why didn’t I pass? You told me I’d pass!”
I reiterated what I’d actually told her about passing, and then assured her that even though this delayed her certification and the outcome looked grim right now, that everything would turn out okay.
“Honestly when it comes to my life I doubt it will ever be okay. Life has a way of constantly knocking me down, I needed to pass this exam. I'm thirty-six years old, I'll be thirty-seven in September; I'm advanced maternal age. I know every statistic and exactly what the odds are that I could have a child with problems due to being so old. I've put my whole life on hold to finish this program and now I've been set back because I can’t take the next exam for another month. When I finally do get to have children I’ll be worried sick that they won’t be healthy.”
Katy continued to equate failing her exam with being too old to have a healthy child until her intensity reached a fever pitch. Finally I was able to get her to take a few deep breaths.
“When am I going to get a chance to have a real life and career? Why do others get what they want while I struggle financially and professionally? I’m afraid to hope. I doubt I'll hope again. I get disappointed every time.”
Katy’s disappointment in failing her exam had her questioning even the value of her life. I suggested she try to separate her sense of self from this unwelcome circumstance by remembering that her negative feelings were attached to one moment in time, and were not a measure of her worth as a human being.
“I really should be used to it by now,” she continued. “My whole life has been full of hardship and it was foolish of me to think that it would change. Nothing is as it should be and I'm beginning to think that the Universe doesn't think I deserve the life I want.”
Her distress was so palpable that I suggested Katy contact a therapist to help her get some perspective. I could tell by her irrational monologue that my suggestions wouldn’t find purchase with her during our conversation.
“Talking with a therapist will not change anything. I'm sure they’ll just give me the ‘It's not the end of the world’ speech which really won't change things for me. This experience cannot be put in to perspective. It's a giant set back. It’s impossible for me to go forward.”
This actual conversation is not the first of its kind I’ve had as a hypnotist, psychic medium, and spiritual counselor. Clients like Katy are struggling with the same core issue, falling down the hole of low self-esteem when trying to make sense of a disappointment. Katy was in so deep her entire life looked like a failure as she collapsed into a pattern of circular thinking, dumping in every previous negative experience, current challenge, and possible future state. It’s like a giant black hole that sucked all her potential into it.
Obviously failing an exam (or anything else) is a disappointment. Multiple failures should signal us to evaluate whether we’re on the right track. But for LoSER (a person with low self-esteem) that evaluation becomes an assessment of personal value. Katy’s self-esteem was so precarious that a minor setback -- having to retake an exam thirty days later -- had her evaluating her usefulness in the working world, whether or not she deserved happiness, and the future health of her yet-to-be-conceived children.
For a RISEr, someone who has recovered her inherent self-esteem, enduring a disappointment or a failure isn’t a barometer of self-worth. Multiple failures aren’t “I told you so’s” but rather cause for re-evaluation of the path, not the person.
Katy stayed in touch with me over the course of the next thirty days while I instructed her in self-hypnosis. We needed to work on her self-esteem, but with a re-take looming just a month away, it was important to shore up her self-confidence enough so that she would reconnect with her purpose for studying. I’m happy to say using self-hypnosis techniques Katy passed that exam and the subsequent tests, too, though she still has a hair-trigger when it comes to associating failure-of-action to failure-of-self. Slowly but surely Katy is recovering her own inherent self-esteem so that she truly believes she deserves and can attain happiness.
Are you a RISEr or a LoSER when it comes to unfulfilled expectations or failures?
You may be a LoSER if:
- when a test or expectation is looming, you begin early on to question your direction anyway (just in case you fail, you’ve already partially convinced yourself that you didn’t want that anyway).
- contemplating one loss or failure leads you to recollect other personal faults or missteps.
- you catastrophize the effects of that failure and/or conclude that your whole life is now irreversibly one big mess.
- you question whether or not you’re a good person, or you believe you deserve failure.
- you hear yourself using phrases with “always” or “never,” such as “I always fail,” or “I never seem to get what I strive for.”
- you abandon the whole initiative after one or two minor setbacks.
- you compare your (bad) luck to others, who somehow magically seem always to succeed where you always fail.
- you believe greater forces (Universe, God) are constantly working against you.
You’re probably a RISEr if:
- you prepare for challenges or tests thoughtfully, doing your best and not simply hoping for a good outcome.
- when contemplating one loss or failure you examine what went wrong; you check in with past failures only to see if there is a pattern that can be corrected.
- you view the effects of the failure as a vehicle to construct a different approach.
- you know the failure or disappointment is not a reflection of your character, but a cause-and-effect that has only to do with actions and effort.
- you face the loss squarely and look for specific ways to address it without making sweeping generalizations.
- you dust yourself off and try again with a new plan when viable.
- when you compare yourself at all, it drives you to interview others for their success strategies, or to research recovery and reboot techniques.
- you know that greater forces are always evolving in life-affirming ways and are not set up to inhibit growth; you know the laws of Nature (Law of Attraction, the Science of Mind) are neutral and we always manifest what we focus on.
If you resonate more with the LoSEr phrases above, keep this list handy. Should you find yourself expressing LoSEr behaviors, check them against the RISEr behaviors as a first step to building confidence.
Remember that your mind is the most powerful tool you’ll be wielding in this life. Use it to prepare for challenges with self-hypnosis or other positive self-talk, and do the same when faced with failure or disappointment. Remember that your mind is a tool which serves your spirit -- and your spirit is entirely unblemished, faultless, and perfect. Keep your perfection foremost in your mind when analyzing a failure, and know that behaviors are easily changed and your spirit doesn’t need changing at all.
