LoSE (Low Self-Esteem) paralyzes by eroding our sense of personal control, exhausting our ambitions and deflating our goals. Vague fears become legitimate reasons to avoid action. The LoSEr often projects those fears onto others to solve or manage, totally surrendering control over business or personal goal achievement. When partners both have low self-esteem, LoSE paralysis is reinforced because each one projects fears onto (and inhibits) the other.
As I discuss in Fix Your Screwed-Up Life, when I opened my first hypnosis office many years ago, I’d purposely rented a tiny room with a low monthly payment. There was no way I couldn’t successfully profit; I’d run all the numbers and knew with just a few clients a month I’d be able to pay my bills, advertise, save a little, and build my practice. I was confident, but in hindsight I still hadn’t fully Recovered my Inherent Self-Esteem (RISEn). I told a LoSER family member about my new office and got an earful of her fears about how big a risk I’d taken. She projected her scarcity mindset and anxieties about money onto me, and as I wasn’t solid in my own self-esteem I immediately began to doubt my decisions; I was just barely squeaking by with enough clients to pay the rent and no more. Several months later I was sitting in my kitchen thinking that everything that could have gone wrong, had, when suddenly I realized that I’d been paralyzed by that family member’s low self-esteem. I’d allowed her fears to be projected onto me where they became my own obstacles, subconsciously undermining my efforts.
Once I made that connection I was able to redefine those fears as simple business hurdles and before that year was out, I’d outgrown that tiny office space and opened a multi-partner healing arts center (at ten times the monthly rent).
I once worked with a LoSEr client named Megan who was experiencing a similar paralysis not only in her romantic partnership with Theresa, but in the event planning business she and Theresa were launching together. Megan came to me for some intuitive coaching; she knew she lacked confidence and couldn’t see how to take control of her self-esteem so both her relationship and business would thrive. Tension was building between the two women, making communication increasingly difficult.
Megan said she and her partner had had some good, clear goals in mind when they first discussed going into business together, but now they couldn’t seem to take the first steps. Nothing was getting off the ground, and the frustration was impacting their personal relationship.
Megan said, “I don’t think Theresa really wants to start this business with me.”
“Why do you think that?” I asked.
“Because she hasn’t done anything yet. We each made up a list of what we think needs to happen to get started. Theresa showed me what she intends to do and I don’t think it’s enough of a plan. I’m afraid she’s not getting out there enough. We’ve been arguing about this for months and not getting anywhere.”
I asked Megan to recall how a typical conversation went when discussing business with Theresa.
“It always ends in disagreement. She stalks off and won’t talk to me.”
“Tell me how the disagreement evolves,” I prompted.
“If we’re talking about it over dinner, it’s usually fun. We have a glass of wine and just start brainstorming and the ideas are great; everything seems possible. But when we sit down for a ‘business meeting’ (Megan gestured “air quotes”) it’s not fun at all. We have different strengths, and we both know it. I’m the detail person; I’m more comfortable balancing the books, keeping track of costs, that kind of thing. Theresa is so much more social, she’s going to be the client contact, the outreach person... the face of our business. She has a ton of contacts because she used to do network marketing and real estate. I keep telling her to start reaching out to those friends.”
“How does she respond?” I asked.
“She says she is doing it. It takes time, she doesn’t just want to start pushing it or forcing appointments because she says our back-end isn’t ready.”
“It sounds like a coordination issue.”
“No, it’s more than that. She can be making contacts and getting the word out while I register the business and research the wholesale suppliers.”
“I don’t see the problem then,” I said.
“I am exploring everything on my end. I have a full-time job, but I’m still getting my part accomplished,” Megan began. “I don’t know. My worst fear is that she’s just not...”
“...doing it the way you want her to,” I finished for Megan, who responded first by glaring at me angrily, then by smiling sheepishly.
I suggested to Megan that she had to have a little faith in her sweetheart. Trust that when she says she’s going to do her part, she will. Megan began to protest that historically Theresa hadn’t always done her part even after promising she would.
“Let’s try something this week,” I said. “When Theresa says she’s going to do some outreach or networking for your business, you simply say, ‘Great. While you’re doing that over there, I’m going to keep playing my role over here.’ Don’t check up on her, don’t grill her for her results. Keep your mind on your own To Do list, and at your regular business meeting just present your accomplishments.”
Though I’d never met her, I figured that by this time poor Theresa was probably so hen-pecked, she barely had the self-confidence to complete her own To Do list. LoSErs tend to throw up their defenses or grind to a halt because deep down they feel they’re going to fail anyway, so why bother putting any real effort in. Compound that with Megan’s expectations that Theresa wasn’t succeeding on her own merits, and voila: the perfect recipe for a non-starter.
But if one partner can break the pattern and say, “Good, you go about your plan and I’ll go about mine,” she removes the projected expectation of failure. If Megan communicates faith in her partner to her partner, she will inspire action much more effectively than nagging and keep her focus on the only thing she can control anyway: her own actions.
LoSErs feel out of control, so they frequently surrender control. One of the easiest, most measurable ways to get control back (and therefore begin to RISE), is to recognize what is under ones control and turn attention to that. Once Megan understood that keeping her focus and accountability on her own actions would not only be the best way to support Theresa but would build her own self-confidence and benefit the business, she promised to put my suggestion to use.
Still, I could see that Megan was hesitant. “What’s going on?” I asked.
“Well, what about my fears?” she asked. “I can do all the things on my list and not bug Theresa about hers, but how is that going to solve my worries? They’re not just going to go away.”
“I think you’ll find that they do,” I answered. “Your fears are your problem, not Theresa’s. She’s got her own, I’m sure. If you project your fears onto her, you’re going to get more of the same inertia. So this week why don’t you go about your checklist and trust that Theresa will be able to accomplish what’s on hers.”
LoSErs’ fears often turn out to be justified because those with low self-esteem frequently distrust their own inner guidance system. They’re often caught unawares because they’re used to ignoring their own inner sense about their strengths and weaknesses. For a LoSEr, earlier efforts that weren’t rewarded are strong evidence that future efforts are unlikely to bear fruit. Feeling as though they don’t control their own destinies, LoSErs do their best to control their fears -- and one way to do that is to not embark on anything that could cause those fears to become real.
LoSErs may also feel as though they aren’t powerful or worthy enough to define their own abundance in business and romantic relationships, so they seek out partners who they rely on to take control. Those partners also conveniently become the receptacle for the LoSEr’s personal fears, bearing responsibility to avoid or correct them.
“Let’s talk about your fears. Tell me one of them,” I asked Megan, when she didn’t seem mollified by my suggestion.
“I’m afraid we’ll be broke. But when I tell her about my fears she gets really defensive. She says, ‘Fine, forget it, let’s not start this business.’”
It’s one thing to talk about things that can go wrong; that’s an important part of business development. Having contingency plans or preparing for delays is integral to honest assessment versus wishful thinking (a handy LoSEr strategy). Yet LoSErs often have difficulty separating what can be prepared for from generalized anxiety about moving forward or succeeding at all. Megan, as many LoSErs do, grouped all potential strategies under the label of “fear.” Theresa, likely struggling with her own trepidations, felt pressured to ease Megan’s fears, because Megan was asking Theresa to resolve them.
RISErs lay their fears on the table too, don’t get me wrong. Recovering inherent self-esteem doesn’t mean living entirely without fears or anxieties. But RISErs can look at potential negatives in a clear light, without panic, and without the desire to have a partner resolve them all before beginning anything new.
I suggested to Megan that by presenting her fears to Theresa, she was putting her partner in an unfair situation. LoSErs feel more secure when someone else solves the problems (and can be blamed if they can’t). Theresa, who struggled with LoSE on her own, felt attacked by Megan’s repeated complaining, ongoing focus on what could go wrong, and passive aggressive suggestion that Theresa either wasn’t working hard enough or didn’t want to be in business at all. By continually pointing out her worries, Megan was subtly suggesting to Theresa that she didn’t trust her to hold up her end of their agreement. The subtext in chronic complaint is “I’m afraid of this because you’re not capable enough to make sure these things don’t happen.”
When a LoSEr repeatedly expresses fear to a person who can’t fix it (and they never can), that person -- a LoSEr in particular -- hears “You’re inadequate, you’re not meeting my needs. I still have this fear.”
RISErs present their fears differently. LoSErs like Megan say, “Theresa, I’m afraid you’re not working hard enough to get clients and we’re going to go broke.” If Megan were a RISEr, she’d be able to discuss her fears within the context of potential solutions.
For example, a RISEn Megan might say, “Just in case our client base isn’t up to our projections, do you think we should have four or six months of savings before we both quit our jobs and jump into business full time?”
Or: “I’m sure they’ll be unanticipated expenses; this is our first business after all. What do you think would be better -- four or six months of living expenses in our savings?”
RISErs anticipate obstacles and plan for contingencies, all while knowing unexpected derailments may still arise. RISErs feel in control of their destinies, not because they have every single fear resolved before beginning anything, but because they don’t rely on others to solve their problems. They have confidence in their abilities to think, strategize, analyze, and solve problems. They also have a working relationship with their own intuition, which lends immeasurable value to their decision-making skills.
Megan and I worked together for several weeks, over the course of which Megan began to RISE steadily. Her romantic relationship benefited and Theresa’s self-esteem naturally recovered too, as she began to feel that Megan trusted her, relied on her, and was confident that she, Theresa, was capable of fulfilling her role in their business. With a relatively simple “tweak” in assessing and communicating fears, Megan was able to experience greater control and security, and therefore confidence.
How do you assess your fears? If you find yourself unable to move forward, either internally or in communication with a business or romantic partner, why not try the same process I suggested to Megan.
First, listen to the words you use when it comes to assessing obstacles. Do you talk to yourself or your partner about your fears, especially in an open-ended way? Do you say things like, “I’m afraid that’s not going to work because....” or “I’m afraid (insert worse case scenario here) will happen”?
Try redefining that fear as a hurdle, and then consider potential ways to get over it. Even if your solutions aren’t immediately practical or realistic, your positive solution-seeking approach will invite alternate ideas either from your own subconscious mind or the others you’re in dialogue with. When you invite opinions on a solution, you’ll be amazed at how helpful others can be. People are naturally attracted to helping others find answers. Not only that, but your own creative subconscious mind will instinctively fill in the blanks, too. The imagination loves to evolve and expand, so even if your immediate solutions aren’t workable, it will offer other creative suggestions: “Not that, but this.”
Here are a few examples:
Instead of saying: “I’m afraid you’re never going to commit to our relationship.”
Say: “Commitment to me means marriage; do you feel the same way or is living together enough for you?”
Instead of saying: “I’m afraid I’ll never be able to save money to retire.”
Say: “Experts say I’ll need an income of $40,000 a year to retire. I can start to budget now and set savings goals or I can consider a different kind of career.”
Instead of saying: “I’m afraid I’m never going to get well.”
Say: “Has anyone here ever tried alternative therapies for a condition like mine? I’m thinking about exploring acupuncture or dietary changes.”
The common denominator in these minor changes is that the speaker takes control of the direction the “fear” was heading by defining for herself what the goal is, soliciting input, and planning action. Knowing one is in control naturally boosts confidence; confidence in turn elevates feelings of control.
Stating fears any other way presumes there is no solution or that someone else needs to step in and deliver answers. Don’t surrender your natural power; remind yourself that you and you alone own those fears and you alone can resolve them. While this can be a scary statement to the LoSER, the RISEr knows it to be true and embraces the power that comes with this knowledge.
