Every weekly session began with Susan complaining about her husband Tom, whose lack of ambition was driving her crazy. She felt he could do much better than middle management at a local government office. According to her assessment, Tom shouldn’t be content to stay firmly in a subordinate position when, if he simply showed his bosses what a positive impact he’d made, he could get a much-deserved promotion and raise. Susan had taken to searching online for jobs for Tom, emailing him links and quizzing him each night he came home as to whether or not he’d followed up on her suggestions.
“You’re going to a lot of trouble to help Tom better his situation, and because he isn’t pursuing those opportunities you’re fed up,” I said.
“Well, yes,” Susan answered. “It’s not going to be easy for me to just quit my job. I don’t make a ton of money at the school; hardly anything, really. But it still helps us pay the bills. And I don’t know how I’m going to be able to fully start my business if Tom isn’t making more money or at least getting on the boss’s radar. He just doesn’t seem to care about me.”
“That’s a bit of stretch, isn’t it? Because he hasn’t approached his boss you conclude he doesn’t care about you?”
“He knows how much I want to be back in the career that I was trained for; I think he should try harder to overcome his nervousness and approach his boss or look for a better job. He’s had the opportunity to work in his field. I’ve been telling kids to slow down for ten years — I sacrificed my career, and now I’d like to get it back. He should be able to sacrifice his comfort zone for me now, too. And unless he does, I can’t even get started. What would be the point?”
Every session began and ended with a similar conversation, though we seemed to set a strong foundation in the time in between, using self-hypnosis, intuition, mind-mapping and other techniques to prime Susan’s brain for goal setting and achievement.
On one particular day I could see clearly that any traction Susan gained at our sessions was lost during the week as she agonized over just how Tom’s lack of ambition was handicapping hers. In reality, I could see that Susan was subconsciously using it to avoid beginning the scary work of getting her own dreams underway. So I cut to the chase and asked her outright:
“Susan, does it seem to you that Tom has to fulfill his part in your dream before you can get started?”
“Yes! The truth is, I can’t begin my dream until Tom does better,” Susan answered. “I just don’t see how I can begin until I know for certain he can cover all our bills.”
As Susan saw it, the obstacle to her success — to her starting point — was utterly outside of her control, depending entirely on someone else taking action. No wonder she was sending her husband links for new jobs, advice on how to ask for a raise, instructive steps to negotiate with authority, even articles on how to start a second career.
The problem was, her husband Tom wasn’t as motivated as Susan was to change his life. He was happy being second-fiddle at his job; it meant he could leave work at the office at the end of every day. At age 58, Tom wasn’t much interested in looking for a new job or starting an entirely new career.
I suggested to Susan that we work first on her self-esteem, as only one with Low Self-Esteem (a LoSEr) would believe that her own evolution completely relied on another person. You might consider this, too, if you find yourself paralyzed in the expression of your dream by the words, “If only s/he would…, then I could….”
I offered Susan a plan of action to take all that energy she was putting into bettering Tom’s situation, and bring it right back to her own project.
She resisted strongly at first because she “just couldn’t see how the numbers work out” if Tom didn’t start earning more. As far as she was concerned, the obstacle to her success was simply a matter of numbers in income/expense columns. Asked to imagine herself as a successful business owner, Susan replied once again that she “just couldn’t see it.” She couldn’t even picture success in her dream business, because her rational mind couldn’t arrive there logically first. As a result, she was becoming increasingly pessimistic about pursuing her dream. As long as Tom didn’t change his work habits, Susan believed her only outcome was failure.
“Helping yourself get a dream underway is something you can do regardless of whether other people comply,” I said. “Your mind is as creative and powerful as anyone’s. Let’s see if we can start to imagine success whether he changes careers or not.”
“I don’t even know how to do that! I can’t picture it!” Susan insisted.
“Think of all the energy and time you’re putting into helping Tom do better. If you put all that energy into your dream, something is actually going to happen. The conscious mind’s job is to gather evidence to support what you already believe to be important, so let’s work on bringing attention and focus to creating the belief that you have everything it takes to launch your cupcake business. You’ll be priming yourself to follow your hunches confidently, to recognize opportunities, to think more creatively about all aspects of your business, and you’ll develop new personal and business relationships more easily. The very least that will happen is that you feel better and more optimistic in general.”
“Well, I don’t know how to do that!” Susan repeated. “I just can’t picture it. Whenever I try that stuff like Law of Attraction, I just interrupt myself because I know it won’t work. We won’t be able to afford it.”
LoSErs like Susan genuinely want to change their circumstances. I had no doubt my client had the ability and desire to carry out the launch of a new business. But LoSErs have an idea deep down inside that they better have all their “i’s” dotted and their “t’s” crossed before beginning anything, and quite often that means trying to control everyone elses' “i’s” and “t’s.” A RISEr (one who has Recovered her Inherent Self-Esteem) knows that she can factor in margins of error and anticipate future obstacles and begin a project anyway. RISErs know that their dreams and goals are their own responsibility, and regardless of another’s actions, they can create success by first imagining, then taking action on their goals.
“I’ll tell you exactly how to do it,” I countered to Susan. “Whenever you feel like helping or advising Tom, take that attention back to yourself. Whenever you feel the urge to go online and look for job opportunities for him, or articles on how he could stand up to his boss, search for different links instead. Search for links on how to start a business, read blogs by other bakers, or articles by other women who have gone back to work after raising their kids. Or simply use that ten minutes to brainstorm names for your business.”
“Well, what is that going to get me? Just reading about other people isn’t going to get my business started either.”
“What it gets you is a new horizon. What it gets you is inspiration, a sense of possibility. It alters the way you think about success as it relates to you and your idea. Your imagination becomes a little more elastic. It becomes possible to believe that you will succeed whether Tom makes more money or not. You don’t have to know exactly how your dream will be realized before it even gets off the ground.”
We discussed the Law of Attraction, or as Susan preferred to consider it, the Power of the Mind, to draw to us what we focus on. Studies have shown that what we focus on develops in our lives or perpetuates our current condition. When we continually turn our attention to an idea, a problem, or a desire, the repetition of it makes it familiar and acceptable to the subconscious mind, where it is ultimately absorbed and housed. Once that idea or desire is embedded in the subconscious mind, the conscious mind begins to gather evidence to prove to ourselves that it’s true.
However this Law, this Power of the Mind, is impersonal. It doesn’t care whether one is focusing on a problem (“I’m so fat, I can’t lose weight”) or a desire (I”m a successful baker, I can see my cupcakes featured in cooking magazines”). It will deliver what is planted there by repeated focus and attention. RISErs understand how powerful their minds are, and know that their minds work exactly the way everyone else’s does. They often read biographies of successful people or read inspiring success stories and picture themselves achieving, too. LoSErs, perhaps because it’s hard to believe that good things can come their way, have a hard time picturing success without knowing clearly how that success will show up.
“These are the physical laws of an impersonal Universe. The Law of Attraction doesn’t care about you. The Universe is a medium, like soil — no matter what you plant there, that’s what you’re going to get.”
Susan still couldn’t see herself launching and running her business successfully. She continued to state, “Unless Tom makes more money, I just can’t see it. Before I start I need to know it’s going to work.” LoSErs frequently forego opportunities because they can’t see from their own perspective the linear process from start to finish. Because they can’t see it, they can’t guarantee it, and for a LoSEr, taking a bet that isn’t a sure bet is not a risk worth taking. Unfortunately, many LoSErs have had their daydreams ridiculed out of them as children. They’ve been criticized for daydreaming, especially if it came at the expense of academic success. Few LoSErs have been praised for dreaming of a better experience, often told to buckle down and do the real work the world requires. In addition, LoSErs usually rely on a linear process as the safest way from one point to another. If a LoSEr can show all the steps he’s going to take from start to finish, should anything go wrong he can show himself (that old voice in his head) and others (real or imagined critical authority figures) that something external happened to the plan and the plan is faulty, not himself.
RISErs have the innate confidence to trust that a plan may unfold differently than originally conceived, even if they do have all the steps of a linear process in place. While they do their best to anticipate stumbling blocks, they have faith that they can handle unforeseen challenges as they arise. They believe in themselves, not just in the plan.
When I suggested trust in the Laws of the Universe as a starting point, Susan understood but couldn’t fully associate and accept the idea into her mindset.
“If you planted a sunflower seed, you’d have the implicit trust that a sunflower and not poison ivy would come up, right?” I asked her.
When she concurred, I continued, “The soil doesn’t care whether you plant sunflowers or poison ivy, because it’s just the medium for that seed to sprout and grow. The Universe doesn’t care whether you focus on all that could go wrong in life or on increasing blessings and prosperity, because it is just the medium for those thoughts to sprout and grow. This is the ‘self-fulfilling prophecy.’ I don’t mean to sound harsh, but the Universe does not care about you. It operates the same way, every time, regardless of what you ‘really mean.’ Plant sunflower seeds, get sunflowers. Plant the dream, get the dream. Trust that the seeds you’re planting will bear the fruit that belongs to that species. Your regular thoughts will bear fruit that naturally belongs to that species of your attention.”
Susan seemed even more depressed at the thought that Universe didn’t care about her, which is another device common to those who suffer from LoSE: literal fixation on one phrase. This is no surprise; remember that the conscious mind gathers evidence to support whatever beliefs reside in the subconscious mind. If inside Susan feels unworthy, hearing her coach say “The Universe doesn’t care about you” rings loudly as a literal truth, further evidence that she is correct to expect failure. We see this commonly in people who deflect praise but chew over perceived criticism ad nauseum.
“Susan, whom do you trust?” I asked.
“I trust my dog,” she replied.
“Use the dog’s love, then. When you’re down, when you’re pissed at your husband for not fulfilling your dreams, get into the state of mind associated with your dog and how he makes you feel. When you feel it, at that moment say aloud your dream for yourself: ‘I’m running my own successful cupcake business.”
“But how will that happen? That would mean Tom has to have a better job!” Susan wailed.
“No, it doesn’t. You don’t have to know what has to happen. Don’t get bogged down there. Let’s skip thinking about your goal for the time being. Let’s focus on the feeling of it.”
At this time I showed Susan a strategy in goal-setting that begins with determining the maturity of the goal. Imagine points on a continuum from Dream to Goal, called Ready, Steady, and Go:
For many LoSErs, lack of self-esteem and self-confidence kills dreams right in the cradle. Susan was quietly snuffing out her dream by making it’s existence conditional on something she couldn’t control: her husband’s ambition. A RISEr allows herself to continue to daydream, without rushing, panicking, or minimizing. The dream balloons and grows, it might change shape, it might begin as a small business idea, grow in fantasy to a global reach, and then recede back to neighborhood size. A RISEr puts no limits on the dream at this stage, allowing it to find it’s natural, most comfortable expression in the imagination. RISErs don’t start examining all the obstacles at this stage and will usually only share a dream with someone who is sure to support them. A LoSEr might share these ideas with someone (often with one of the most critical people in her community or family) and tends to be easily discouraged when the dream is questioned.
When the dream is allowed to take many “practice” forms in the imagination, we begin to return again and again to the right fit for its manifestation. At this time we become aware of genuine potential obstacles. LoSErs often imagine obstacles at this point (or even before), and shut down further development. A RISEr will continue to feel inspired by the dream and create a plan to obviate those challenges or take action to meet them. At this time, the dream begins to gel into a solid possibility, thereby self-defining steps to its own achievement. It’s a critical time for both the RISEr and LoSER, as the quiet voice of inspiration shapes some of those steps. It’s important to remain open to the still-evolving shape of the dream into a goal. If we’re Steady here, staying nimble and open to fine adjustments (and not ready to throw the baby out with the bath in case one thing goes wrong), the path to the Plan is clear.
(This is the point where Susan was stuck, the point where one has to have faith and trust in oneself, if not the Universe. One has to believe “I’m planting sunflower seeds because I want a sunflower in April.” Susan was worried about how the seed would germinate and start reaching for the surface of the soil, towards the sun. She needed instead to keep anticipating the sunflower with faith.)
Finally, we’re ready to Go. We can see what we need to do to make the goal a reality. The Plan has a shape. In a business idea, this might be the mission statement. In saving for a downpayment, it might be a budget. Goals at the Go stage are self-evident and the steps quite clear: you need to save a certain amount of money by a certain date, for example. It’s fairly obvious what you need to do to break that goal down into specific action steps: not buying lunch for two weeks, taking the money you spent on happy hour cocktails and putting it aside, etc.
For Susan to get her business idea off the ground, she had to spend a bit more time at the Steady stage. To shape a dream into a goal she had to take this mid-range step, which is poised between hope and certainty; between fantasy and logic. It’s critical that her attention stay here for as long as necessary, and not hang on the fine thread of her husband’s behavior. If a dream is going to leave the Steady stage and enter the Go zone, it can’t be hung up on something as whimsical and uncontrollable as another person’s ambition. I counseled Susan to keep bringing her focus back to her dream, because only then would the inspired action steps be revealed to her.
With a bit more coaching Susan was able to turn her resources to propelling her own dream forward, and stop the useless effort of trying to propel her husband forward. Before long, she’d gotten into the habit of giving the idea of her cupcake business free rein in her imagination. She found the confidence to speak about her idea, join networking groups, and even begin playing with names and designing logos. Last I heard she’d signed a contract to deliver her cupcakes to corporate events and was making quite a name for herself.
How about you? Are you stuck somewhere on the dream-to-goal continuum because of LoSE? Is it hard for you to imagine living your goal, or are you holding up the start-date of your dream until someone else gets something done?
If so, try this:
If you can’t change your thoughts (the LoSEr voice that insists you can’t begin planning until you are guaranteed success), change your feelings. If you can’t envision success because it feels too remote or you’re too used to dismantling dreams before they get a toehold, begin by changing your feeling from the discouraged state to a trusted pleasant feeling. The next time you begin discouraging yourself in response to your dream, begin at once to think about someone or something you love and trust. Stay with that recollection until you begin to feel you’re experiencing it in real time. When you sense that love and trust in your heart, say to yourself: “I am inspired to continuing dreaming, to accepting all the optimistic possibilities, confident that I can shape this dream into reality!” You may need to do this several times; keep at it. Repeated make-believe makes beliefs, and once belief in your dream is firmly established in your inner mind, the road to making it reality becomes crystal clear.
If you are spending a lot of time and energy getting someone else’s life in order, consider using that energy in the most productive way that you can — on yourself! If you’re sending job ideas, links to helpful articles, or are initiating repeated discussions to get someone else moving, think of how all that effort would move you forward. This too takes practice, especially if we’re living with that other person or feel they’re not doing their best. Even if that’s true, all motivation begins within, and all of your cheerleading won’t make a change in someone else’s life unless he is ready to change all on his own. Be your own biggest cheerleader. Imagine that it’s you who succeeds! Wake up with these thoughts, fall asleep to them, and remind yourself throughout the day that you're Ready, Steady, and set to Go!
