Every now and then she has glimpses of her natural inner perfection and strives to connect more. I remember a teacher from long ago citing the same process, and describing it like having your hand in a bucket of gravel and feeling — just for a moment — a pearl within it. Suddenly you become aware of something that can feel better than the roughness of the gravel, which up until that point felt normal because there was nothing to indicate it wasn’t. Though having lost touch with the pearl, you’re inspired to keep searching because now you understand the contrast, and you never forget how smooth and beautiful that touchstone could be.
I like to use this example with my LoSEr clients, who, like Marcia, have existed so long with a constant, low-grade malaise that they don’t even recognize or believe that life could feel sweeter. Having even a momentary grasp of that pearl, having even a momentary understanding of what RISE feels like, is vital in pursuing confident self-expression because the LoSEr now has a reference point and can say “I know what it feels like to just be happily me.”
In a recent session with Marcia, we discussed her LoSEr drive to please, especially those she deemed authority figures. She said, “I strive for perfection with these people, even if I don’t like them or I disagree with them! For some reason I need their approval; I need them to think I’m the best person ever to work for them. Of course this perfection doesn’t exist, and anyway nothing I do could ever measure up to the standards in my head or the standards I seem to think I achieved in my past.”
Marcia described her knee-jerk reaction to authority; “I find myself nodding and saying ‘yes’ even before I know what they’re talking about. Even if I don’t agree with it!” Then she admitted, somewhat sheepishly, that she even did this with me.
“When we first started working together you were asking me to consider my inner spark of perfection, and I was nodding along like I knew what you were talking about. All the while inside I’m thinking, ‘No, she’s completely wrong. There is absolutely nothing perfect about me.’ But you saw right through that!”
I said, “Well, it helps to be psychic when you’re coaching someone.”
But all joking aside, we discussed how much time a LoSEr can waste, how many lost opportunities to learn, when we automatically say ‘Yes’ when we aren’t actually in agreement. When you’re suffering from LoSE you might also say ‘Yes, I understand, I’m following you,’ when you’re not clear on what you’re being asked to do. Then, feeling left behind or perceiving that he is too dumb to truly understand, the LoSEr never feels quite caught-up. Remember those dreams of showing up in the classroom with no idea what everyone was talking about? I sometimes dream, during particularly stressful periods, that I can’t even find my first period class room or that if I do I’m woefully unprepared. LoSErs who are authority figure pleasers feel that way frequently in their daily lives.
I remember when I was a LoSEr myself, working at one of my first jobs out of college. The man who was my boss would probably be sued for sexual harassment if he tried some of his “moves” these days; at the very least he was a mean-spirited misogynist. Yet he held sway over me because of my own “always please the authority figure” training. Much of this indoctrination happens in childhood, when the parent or other authority figure requires a kid to respect and obey the adult at all times, regardless of what the adult is asking. I learned that the adult was always right, simply because he or she was older than I. My own viewpoint or opinion was immaterial and routinely dismissed or ignored. It’s no wonder I and other LoSErs get caught in situations like workplace bullying or harassment. The strong inner message that the boss is always right and you, the underling, always wrong often appears completely irrational to someone outside the situation. I remember my husband was incredulous that I didn’t just tell my boss to back off with the sexy-talk. My husband wasn’t a LoSEr; he couldn’t imagine the internal conflict I experienced.
Yet I was compelled inside to please this boss by laughing along with him when he made inappropriate “jokes,” by staying silent when he made off-color comments or critiqued other women in the office. I was disgusted by this man, but because I was LoSEr I kept on agreeing with him, and I kept working twice as hard as everyone else in the office so he would like me!
RISErs have overcome this particular early message or inner conflict. I can honestly say that I have, too. I no longer feel the need to be “nice” to a person who has been rude to me. As a RISEr, that doesn’t mean I lash out right back to him or her; it means that I’m confident enough to know that even if that person is somehow above me on a hierarchy, I’m not a “lesser” person. If that authority figure is rude or unkind or just plain awful to me, I understand now that his behavior is that of a LoSEr, and while I may have to be civil, I by no means have to be warm, polite, or try to win his affection back or gain his approval. In a sense, I’m able (mostly) to separate the LoSEr behavior from the person within.
I learned this one day years ago when I overheard one clearly RISEn woman talking to a friend, relating an interaction from the night before. I didn’t hear any of the details of what had happened, but I heard her say clearly and calmly, “I told him, ‘I don’t allow anyone to speak to me like that’ and I walked away.”
Wow! That became my rallying cry to myself first, and once or twice in later conversations with (LoSEr) authority figures who tried to use their status inappropriately. I once even said it to a police officer who had pulled me over for turning without using my directional (I was. He was just showing off to his partner). He was berating me loudly, asking me questions and not letting me answer, and generally being an aggressive and hostile jerk. When he rolled his eyes and snarled, “I’m not going to argue with you Ma’am!” I calmly told him I didn’t allow anyone to talk to me the way he was, least of all a peace officer. That stopped him short and we worked it out.
When I overheard that stranger’s remark, I knew I was on the right path to RISE. A person who has recovered her inherent self-esteem is often inspired by seemingly random events or information. RISErs see the environmental feedback of their thoughts and desires; RISErs see synchronicity and allow themselves to learn from coincidence and to acknowledge the Law of Attraction. That’s because a RISEr is self-confident and recognizes that the inner spark is always lighting the way, saying “Look here!” and rewarding self-awareness with more of the same.
A LoSEr might not see the genuine reflection of her true inherently perfect Self, but what she perceives to be true instead. If a LoSEr overhears a remark she is more likely to trigger into a self-conscious rapid review of whether the comment was directed towards her, to make a snap judgment about the speaker, or to consciously dismiss it as not applicable to her life. For example, if I’d been a LoSEr when I overheard that stranger’s remark I might feel jealous of her strength, judge her as an angry bitch* or think to myself (especially if I was entrenched in an authority-pleasing phase) “I feel sorry for the guy she’s dating.” Additionally, a LoSEr is habitually tuned-out to the world around her and less likely than a RISEr to overhear, see at a glance, or intuit the guidance abounding in every moment.
A RISEr recognizes that the world around her is a mirror, and allows what she interprets to benefit and guide her, and to validate her natural right to existence and expression.
Many years ago I offered to help Cindy, a much younger acquaintance, move her office from one location to another, which took about a week. She shared the small office with her boss, a handsome, divorced man who was my age. During the move he and I found much in common and chatted frequently. I was following Cindy’s direction in this move and everything began well. A day or two in however, it was clear she was envious of or uncomfortable with the rapport her boss and I enjoyed, and began exercising her “authority” over me in classic LoSEr fashion.
She found fault with whatever I did, even when I followed her directions to a T. She reprimanded me for being late one morning, when I was the first to arrive. Nothing I did suited her, and she’d sigh loudly while mumbling how she had to redo what I’d already done.
At the same time, she bent over backwards to please her boss who didn’t seem in my interactions with him to be a LoSEr at all; in fact he was pretty low key. Cindy practically quaked in her shoes when dealing with him, saying ‘Yes,’ nodding her head fervently while saying, ‘Got it!’ even before he finished speaking. After taking direction from him she’d try to convey his “orders” to me, but because she was so unsure of herself, so eager to please, because she wasn’t able to listen to him, she truly had no idea what he was asking.
Because Cindy was a LoSEr, she totally missed the mark with her authority figure and was a horrible “authority figure” to me. She saw “signs” (where there were none) that I was threatening her position because her boss and I had a number of things in common. She must have overheard part of a conversation where we’d been talking about how much it costs to maintain our houses, because she commented later in the day that she would only ever rent and how foolish it was for a woman alone to buy a home.
Having recovered most of my own self-esteem by then, I could see Cindy’s LoSE predicament and let her act however she needed to to feel good about herself. I corrected her on a couple of occasions (like the arriving late complaint), but otherwise let it all go. Believe me when I say it was challenging on some days — having a young 20-something boss me around like I was a kid got aggravating, but I regularly considered the source of criticism and let it roll off.
I’m glad I did, because it was during that very odd week that I overheard something new that changed my life. Because I was able to let Cindy just be herself and not let my old LoSEr stuff be triggered, my inherent self-esteem allowed me to be present, alert, and to see clearly the reflection of my inner world projected onto my environment.
Cindy had just finished barking at me for something, and I’d let it roll off. I turned around to unpack another box when I overheard her on the phone giving advice to friend of hers in her usual know-it-all way. The advice was brilliant: I recognized a pearl in the gravel and grabbed it, and an entire prosperous area of my life opened up.
Had I been triggered by Cindy’s own LoSE and responded with the LoSEr’s usual resentment, I might have dismissed what she was saying. If I were a LoSEr who resented this particular authority figure (Cindy) instead of trying to please her, I might even say, “Yeah, but that wouldn’t work for me,” because the LoSEr both tries to appease and also resents the authority figure. But the RISEr in me was able to separate the inner perfect spark of Cindy from her LoSEr authority issues — at least for a moment (heck, nobody’s on top of this 100% of the time).
The idea of “authority” is a scale on which LoSErs scrabble for position, always anxious about those above, and routinely dismissive of those below. It’s no surprise, really. When your value has been measured solely on the scale of your achievements, acquiring a position in the elusive hierarchy of Whatever can truly feel like a life or death struggle. Unable to stop pleasing those above, the LoSEr is always hoping for acceptance, validation, and even the slightest elevation in position. Holding on to this position for dear life, the LoSEr is compelled to keep down whoever is below them in authority.
Even as the LoSEr scratches and claws his way up the authority ladder, relaxation is impossible because at the core of this drive is low self-esteem. RISErs are able to separate their self-worth from their position in a workplace, a community organization, even in a family structure. RISErs know their value has nothing whatsoever to do with what position they achieve in the hierarchies that are part of every human gathering. That’s why RISErs tend to listen rather than speak over or shout down someone else. In the serenity of self-confidence, the RISEr often discovers the value — the pearl — hidden in the most casual comment or the most grating encounter.
Because the RISEr has no need to blindly please whoever is “above,” nor push around whoever is “below” him, he is rewarded with more opportunity, self-awareness, and insight. Not to mention peace of mind, freedom from stress, worry, and tense interpersonal relationships. He is away of how unpleasant the gravel of LoSE feels, and how smooth and brilliant the pearl of RISE feels in contrast to it.
Marcia and I worked together using hypnosis to help her identify what her moments of RISE felt like and clearly distinguished those from her LoSEr response. Using techniques to anchor the “pearl” feeling, Marcia was able to interrupt the LoSEr “gravel” pattern and familiarize herself more and more with her healthy self-esteem. The more she enjoyed the pearl, the less she tolerated the gravel.
If you experience self-evaluation on the authority scale and it causes you to say ‘Yes’ when you don’t mean it or you don’t understand, or to tolerate inappropriate behavior from someone above you on the scale; or if you notice that you sometimes bully others “below” you a bit, try this anchoring exercise.
- Create time and place without distraction for about 10 minutes.
- Close your eyes and focus on your breathing for a bit. Inhale and exhale mindfully a few times.
- Recall a time in your life when you felt confident or happy, just by being you. If this is too difficult to find, pretend right now that you are exactly who you wish you were, living the life and dream you’ve always wanted. Don’t worry about how you got there, just pretend.
- Let all of your senses fill out this memory or vision. Imagine you can hear the kind of comments or sounds that add to your confidence (applause? congratulations? “I love you?”). Imagine you can see loved ones smiling at you, or the perfect environment. If there are smells and tastes, add those in, too. Most of all, let yourself feel the sense of oneness, joy, fulfillment, or profound satisfaction. Expand all of these sensations until you find yourself smiling from within.
- Now very gently touch together the thumb and forefinger of your left hand (if you’re a righty) or vice versa, as if you were holding a small, smooth pearl.
- Become aware of the gentle pressure between your finger and thumb while simultaneously aware of the feeling of well-being from your memory or vision.
- You’re anchoring this physical and emotional state in the gesture of touching together your thumb and finger tip and creating a conditioned response.
- Practice this daily for a few weeks. Whenever you need to feel this good again, face an authority figure, or any other time you need an antidote to LoSEr patters just take a deep breath, close your eyes if you can (if you can’t, no big deal), and touch together your thumb and forefinger. Your emotions and thoughts respond to this condition (the gesture) by triggering the feelings of well-being when you use the anchor.
You don’t need to climb up the authority ladder to truly RISE. When you recover your inherent self-esteem you’ll know that authority is only ever a moving target, but the perfect spark of your own inherent divine Self is constant, eternal, and a treasure that only increases in value.
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* I truly believe LoSE is at the core of the otherwise unfathomable way some women shame and judge other women. A RISEr would never consider a woman who stands up for herself to be a bitch, or an assertive woman to be a ball-breaker, or one who is comfortable in her sexuality a slut. If you ever encounter women treating other women this way, look closer: you’ll see many of the hallmarks of low self-esteem.
