When you suffer from low self-esteem (LoSE), words can really sting. We learn as young LoSErs that criticism from our Important Adults or Authority Figures indicates faults in our being. LoSErs also learn that if they’re quick to criticize others they might just dodge judgment themselves so they model LoSEr behavior by maligning others who aren’t present or who are out of earshot.
Everyone likes to dish the dirt; LoSErs do so especially because focusing on someone’s shortcomings or failures deflects attention from the shortcomings they feel in themselves. Some studies have even suggested that so-called “positive gossiping” can be inspiring; other studies have suggested that romantic couples can create a stronger bond when they gossip (positively or negatively) to each other about other couples. For example, a gossipy comment from one sweetheart to another can communicate how “we’re” different from “them,” and the way “we” do things means our love will last: “Those two have a joint bank account and he always spends without asking her, even though it’s also her money. That’s such a bad idea; can you believe it? They’re always fighting because of it. I’m glad we have separate accounts.”
But most studies agree that gossip is destructive. It’s not surprising to be sometimes more interested in what others are doing — and how they’re doing it wrong — than in our own lives. It’s when we criticize or gossip to others that we deepen our own LoSE. Someone with low self-esteem feels unworthy, invisible, or uninteresting, though he may not be consciously aware of it. When he gossips however, he is in a safe place, spinning some juicy narrative from which he is conspicuously absent. He’s not in the spotlight, but he’s controlling it.
I had a potentially disastrous encounter with gossip several years ago. A neighbor who was on a nominating committee for the superintendency in a public school asked me about a mutual colleague who was applying for the job. Her committee hadn’t yet assembled to vet this man, and she wanted — discreetly and confidentially — to gather some anecdotal opinions about his work style. Because I felt conflicted about front-loading his interview with “dirt,” I shared her request with my then-sweetheart. The next day I learned that Then-Sweetheart told the worst busy-body in town that the Applicant was interviewing for a job as Superintendent in Such-and-Such school district, and that Busy-Body wanted the number of my neighbor so she could give said Neighbor every last bit of crap she could think of on Applicant and could call Such-and-Such school district herself to further her rant against this man.
I was furious first with Then-Sweetheart, then with Busy-Body, and I gave both them a new vent through which to expel waste (if you know what I mean). If Busy-Body had contacted Such-and-Such school district, Neighbor would have been fired on the spot for her indiscretion. I had unintentionally started a wave of gossip that could have hurt two innocent people; as it was, it lead to the end of my relationship with Then-Boyfriend and earned me a reputation with Busy-Body as a b_tch.
I wasn’t even gossiping about the Applicant or the Neighbor! I just wanted to check in with a trusted other (Then-Boyfriend) about the inner conflict I felt; I wanted his opinion about whether my reticence was well-placed or no big deal.
Both Then-Boyfriend and Busy-Body are insecure in their own ways (we all are, to some extent), and it’s natural to project our insecurities on others. But when your LoSE convinces you that you’re a solid judge of someone else’s character and other people need to hear your opinion…. well, that’s destructive. Most LoSErs share gossip in order to be liked and accepted: to feel that they’re offering something of value to the world, or at least to the conversation. Gossip may reward the LoSEr with positive attention or a sense of self-importance in the moment: think of Busy-Body dialing up Such-and-Such school district and crowing to an administrator there all the “dirt” she knew on the Applicant. Boy, she’d get their attention then! Feeling as though she’d saved the day and saved Such-and-Such school district from making a terrible decision, and they’d have her to thank for it!
Unfortunately, gossip rarely benefits anyone. People come to recognize the wagging tongues of LoSErs and avoid them; they see that anything they might share with a gossip is very likely going to be spread to others, and will most likely have a negative spin.
There’s an Eleanor Roosevelt quote I see in memes from time to time: “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” Personally I don’t care much for the judgmental tone of this adage, but I get where the First Lady was going. While it’s not possible to get around discussing events and people, and the pressure to spout “great ideas” might just make you a total boor at the party — it IS possible to take the spirit of her statement and try to stop gossiping about people.
Years before I began to recover my inherent self-esteem (RISE) I indulged quite a bit in the guilty pleasure of gossip. It wasn’t a very attractive quality, and I see now that I gossiped to feel accepted among people I always perceived as more worthy. I felt that if I didn’t bring something interesting to the table, I would be rightfully ignored and dismissed. I distinctly remember joining a conversation at the gym among women who were talking about losing weight — what else? — and I mentioned that another of our acquaintances was considering bariatric surgery. I remember one of the women in this small group, Becky, giving me a mild look I couldn’t quite define, but it triggered what I knew to be an appropriate level of shame. A few weeks later I encountered Becky limping and I asked her what happened. She said very politely, “I’m sorry but I don’t want to tell you, you aren’t discreet.”
Even though I hadn’t really begun to RISE at that time, Becky’s simple comment brought a self-awareness that set my feet on the right path. Her RISEr comment and direct words helped me to see what self-esteem looks like.
Now I’m in the habit of not talking about others, and if I hear someone maligning a person I care about, I make sure to change the subject. I try to imagine how I would feel if the gossiper were talking about me, and without leaping to the subject’s defense or criticizing the gossiper, I simply introduce another topic for discussion as soon as possible. I imagine Becky saying, “You aren’t discreet.” It’s enough to make me listen hard to everything I’m saying and whether my words are adding harmony to the world at large or detracting from it.
As a hypnotist I’m often asked to give talks about the power of the mind and one of my favorite demonstrations illustrates how our words can literally damage or uplift a person. In this demonstration I ask a volunteer to come up to the dais with me and face the audience. I briefly introduce the topic of applied kinesiology (also known as muscle testing), which is a method of diagnosis based on the belief that various muscles are linked to particular organs and glands. Many traditional practitioners think its quackery, and there are strong arguments both for and against it, but for the purposes of my demonstration I explain that our bodies register and respond to the energy of other people, of nature, of thoughts, and of our environment, and AK or muscle testing reveals that response easily.
To show what I mean, I ask the volunteer to make a fist and hold her strongest arm out straight in front of her, as rigid and locked as she can. I then push down on it as hard as I can to show her and the audience her baseline strength, and then have her relax her arm at her side. Now we get to the fun part: I stand behind her and hold a card up above her head (where she can’t see it but the audience can) with the word “BAD” written on it, and I ask the audience not to say the word but to THINK it to the volunteer. Then I perform the muscle test again, and without fail, the volunteer’s arm collapses at the slightest pressure from me. Remember, she has no idea what the audience is thinking.
Then, because it’s always better to leave someone feeling empowered, I repeat the experience but this time have the audience think the word “GOOD” to the volunteer. And her arm when tested is stronger than even the baseline.
Draw your own conclusions about AK; for me, it’s a crystal clear illustration of how though affect other people. Can you imagine how much more power words spoken aloud have on someone? Can you imagine how you think and talk about yourself impacts you?
So how about you? Why not take a day or two to notice if you gravitate towards gossiping people or if you gossip yourself. If so, notice if there is one particular person around whom you like to dish the dirt. Look a little deeper at the subject: what is it about that person or his/her actions that is so gossip-worthy? Is it missing in yourself? Would you do something differently?
The next time you feel tempted to join in or initiate gossip, imagine someone whose opinion you treasure gently and sadly turning you away because “you aren’t discreet.” When you hear information that has the ring of gossip to it, see if you can graciously change the conversation or at least share something you admire about the subject of the gossip.
It will mean changing a habit, and that takes some mental discipline. I guarantee it is worth every effort. You’ll feel honest in your heart and you’ll discover a new kind of appreciation for others. Your discretion will impact your immediate circle and entire communities, even those online. Imagine not chiming in to the scare-mongering and gossiping on social media. I often think of those threads showing people poorly dressed in Walmart, or making silly mistakes, and I recognize that lapping these up and sharing them is a form of gossip too. Focusing on all the ways other people are less than you or more ridiculous than you might be balm for the LoSEr, but it also perpetuates the toxic fog of low self-esteem.
If you can break this habit, your own energy will change. You’ll feel more at peace and you’ll experience a more peaceful world. You’ll begin to notice and care more about what’s worth praising and celebrating. As you notice this in others, you’ll begin to see it more in yourself: you’ll naturally appreciate your own unique expression of the perfect spirit within.
I’ll leave you with this sublime advice from Ephesians 4:29:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
