R.I.S.E. When You Stop Comparing

What if your tendency to compare yourself to others magically disappeared? Think about looking at a magazine and seeing a fashion model -- and seeing the fashion, not the gorgeous, air-brushed, perfectly proportioned model. Or how about attending your high school reunion and catching up with your peers without mentally checking who weighs more or earns less than you do?

When comparison spurs you to excel or fuels your ambition, you’re operating from a healthy self-esteem. Imagine you’ve been considering a career change, and at the above-mentioned high school reunion one of your classmates from the school chorus begins to talk about her glamorous career in the music industry. If your internal response is one of excitement, peppering her with questions about how she got started, one in which the wheels of possibility start turning in your mind -- you’re probably experiencing healthy self-esteem. If your internal feeling is gut-twisting envy, that’s a pretty clear signal that you’re a LoSEr (Low Self-Esteem-er) and your self-esteem could use a boost.

Several months ago I ran into a friend from middle school. Carol was talking about another student in our class named Rita, with whom Carol still corresponded. Rita had traveled in Italy after dropping out of college, had fallen in love with an Italian man, and after marrying him, moved to Tuscany. When I caught up with Carol she told me Rita was working in an art gallery in Italy and raising her two children as a single mom. What was most surprising about this bit of news was that Carol was envious of Rita’s life. “I was the one who was really good in Italian class,” said Carol. “Rita didn’t even care! But here she is living in the most beautiful place in the world, and I’m stuck in the suburbs of Philadelphia!”

Carol was comparing herself to what she perceived Rita’s life to be. If the comparison were just facts on paper, Carol (in my opinion) came out miles ahead of Rita. Rita had a part-time job, was a single mother, and lived far from her own family support system. She hadn’t finished her education and by all accounts was just scraping by. Carol on the other hand, was happily married to her college sweetheart, had two post-graduate degrees, held an important directorship position at a national charitable foundation, made an impressive salary, had two healthy children of her own who had the benefit of living with both parents, and owned her own home as well as a vacation property in the Pocono mountains of Pennsylvania. She was close to her sister and her mother, who lived less than two hours away.

So Carol’s comparison of her life to Rita’s wasn’t based on the actual facts of their lifestyles, but Carol’s reaction to what she perceived to be a romantic, exotic life of Rita’s. The comparison Carol was making was closer to this: “Who is a better (more deserving, ‘cooler’) person?”

In my book I refer to those with low self-esteem as LoSErs (my acronym comprised of the first letter or letters of low self-esteem); those who have recovered their inherent self-esteem I call RISErs. LoSErs frequently fall into the comparison trap. The biggest problem with it (beside reinforcing LoSE), is that comparison doesn’t actually help you change your life or achieve your goals.

Quite the opposite: analyzing how someone else is better off than you are is not only a big time-waster, but it’s completely unproductive. Carol and I caught up over coffee after not seeing each other in years, and instead of getting reacquainted (or sharing what I was doing with my life), we never seemed to veer far from the topic of Rita’s “cool” life.

Low self-esteem has the peculiar characteristic of reinforcing itself: when we put ourselves down we undermine our self-esteem, which just causes us to feel even lower down, which causes us to focus on how low-down we are... you get the picture. Ultimately Carol’s form of comparison is ineffective because it detracts from what little motivation a LoSEr already has.

The plain fact is there will always be a Rita in our lives. Someone, somewhere, will always have more money, be better-looking, live in an exotic place, have a unique career, weigh less, have a more attractive spouse, have better-behaved kids... the list is exhaustive. LoSErs measure their worth in comparison to others, and when they do, they lose.

RISErs use comparison too, but those who have recovered their inherent self-esteem don’t use it to measure their worth. What they measure when comparing is 1) if that perceived state of being is something they truly desire for themselves or if they are currently living their desired lifestyle; 2) how far off the attainment of such a state would be from their current state, and 3) the action plan steps to get there.

For example, if Carol were a RISEr, in learning about Rita’s life in Tuscany she would first ask herself, “Do I want to live abroad? Do I want to work in a creative field like an art gallery? Could I be comfortable learning a new language and being so far from my family?” If the answers are “yes,” Carol may feel prompted to examine further, such as, “I do want to live abroad, but I don’t want to learn a new language. Would I be comfortable living in an English-speaking country, or would I be happy in a job working with Americans in a foreign-language country?”

RISErs discover in self-examination whether such a goal is on track with their values, their desired lifestyle, and in line with their resources (time, energy, money). If Carol decided that yes, living abroad was indeed something she wanted to pursue, she would consider how far in the future that life is realistic considering her family, and she would begin to build strategies to make those changes.

Last month I learned of an opportunity to purchase newly-cleared land in Costa Rica that was minutes from the beach and ideal for a retreat center. I’d often thought about owning a place in Central America, though it wasn’t on my radar in the near future. Friends and clients who heard about the offer were begging me to take it. It really was a great deal. The owner was a friend of a friend who needed cash to finish building a house and was willing to let several lots go for a song. I had the cash to purchase and the offer was so tempting it kept me up at night for a week.

In the end I did what RISErs do. I asked myself, “Do I want a retreat center in Costa Rica?” And the short answer was “No.” I have a business plan now that doesn’t include building an entirely new business. I know it would be so cool to have a place in Costa Rica (I'd be the envy of all my friends!). I also know it would take the resources from my current strategy and divert my focus to something that was never part of my plan to begin with. So despite the great deal to be had and the caché that would attend it, I knew the deal was not for me and I declined. When I confidently let go of this “cool” fantasy, I began sleeping peacefully once again.

So if you find yourself falling short when you think about your peers, your classmates, your friends or co-workers, remember that such reflection is a big time waster, it’s ineffectual, and it’s a losing battle.

If you’re LoSE-ing in the comparison game, ask yourself three questions:

1. Do I want this for my life and if not, am I living (or building) the life I desire?
2. How long would it realistically take me to get there if I do want that for myself?
3. What are the steps I’ll need to take to make that happen?

Then, seek out the person you were comparing yourself to, or someone who has done what you now want to do, and ask him every question you can think of. Think of his perceived “cool” life as a magnet that’s drawing you forward. Use it as inspiration! You are now in a position of control, empowered, ambitious and driven towards your victory on your terms.