Drawing From A Spiritual Well

Margaret was struggling in her marriage; her husband Ryan had retired from his job due to a physical disability incurred while working. He’d begun consulting part time, but couldn’t seem to land and keep clients. He displayed his unhappiness with extreme irritability, withdrawing from his role as husband and father, and criticizing Margaret and the children over the smallest things. Margaret defined herself as essentially a single mother, and had become completely turned off by Ryan’s behavior.

As a devout Catholic, Margaret was opposed to divorce, yet she didn’t want to live alone in her marriage, subject to her husband’s increasing irrational outbursts.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Ryan’s self-esteem had plummeted as he saw his consulting business, and therefore himself, as a failure. Margaret felt like a LoSEr too, as she couldn’t seem to uplift her husband no matter what she did, and now she felt guilty because all she wanted to do was shut him out.

We began with a brief hypnosis session, in which I suggested Margaret release the guilt feelings; in this case it was appropriate to cope with an emotionally abusive person by putting up an emotional wall. That is effective when interacting with another, but emotional walls are a problem when we have to intra-act. In other words, putting up walls around our own distressing emotions is not a healthy long-term strategy.

We followed up with a number of coaching session so Margaret could differentiate her husband’s personal responsibilities from her own. As long as she felt it was her job to make his life better (which he reinforced by blaming her when things went wrong), she was sacrificing control over what was actually in her domain to manage, in order to manage Ryan’s feelings.

“But how do I get these frustrating emotions about Ryan out?” Margaret asked. “Whenever I start a conversation he gets defensive and angry and he storms off. He won’t talk to me. I know I should be more compassionate and empathetic, but it’s hard when he’s so nasty to me. I want to do the right thing in God’s eyes, too; I am trying to be patient and loving as He instructs, but it’s getting very difficult.”

We discussed Jesus’s suggestion in His Sermon on the Mount that we seek first the Kingdom of God, and the rest will be given to us. (Matt. 6:33)

We agreed that the Kingdom of God is within us (Luke 17:21), and if Margaret could connect with that perfect Divinity inside her heart, she would feel serene, safe, guided, and purposeful. She would find there the Divine compassion for Ryan that her emotional mind seemed too exhausted to drum up.

Through a series of practice exercises at home between our sessions, Margaret was learning to reacquaint herself with the God within in heart. She began to do this on a regular basis first so she could smoothly transition her thoughts there when Ryan was at his most unpleasant. As she reconnected with the true source of peace within her, compassion, empathy and patience flowed naturally from a spiritual well that is never diminished.

If we ever hear ourselves saying “I should be more compassionate,” we’re drawing from the emotional well. Our minds usually draw energy from the more shallow pool of our emotions, which is why we might “run out” of patience, tolerance, and sympathy. By using our will (in the conscious mind) we’re able to bring about a feeling that doesn’t spontaneously arise; we use our will to remind ourselves to feel compassion for someone who is berating us, for example. We might think to ourselves, “We’ll he’s having a really hard day” and we’ll manufacture some extra patience or raise our tolerance level.

You’ll also see the results of inability to create an emotion when you’re tired or stressed, and you snap at a loved one. If your emotional well is pouring out anger or stress (at anything), it’s impossible to create a compassionate flow alongside it.

When we use our will to create an emotional response, we’re drawing from a limited energy source which doesn’t spontaneously regenerate. With continual drawn-down, that source is exhausted and we lose patience or become resentful. When emotions supply our feeling response to another person (or ourselves), it’s manufactured by the ego or personality, which in most of us is built on faulty judgments, cultural beliefs, and our naturally-limited scope of comprehension.

If a person lives in a relationship for a long enough period of time where she perceives her emotional well isn’t replenished, it’s completely natural to feel as Margaret did: she stopped caring about her husband. On top of that, she felt guilty, ashamed and inadequate for her desire to shut him out. Her emotional well had run dry because it isn’t meant to support us for years of conflict or emotional abuse — of course her patience and sympathy ran out.

When we use our minds to draw from the spirit, those lovely and unconditional good-will feelings follow boundlessly. Spirit, or the Kingdom of God, even the Higher Mind — whatever your belief or philosophy — is the inexhaustible, superhuman provider of all that is balanced and good in the world. Whatever arises spontaneously comes from this inexhaustible well, but we forget that we can go there and draw from it.

Margaret began to study the Holy Spirit within her by reading her Bible and praying for communion with God. She didn’t try to correct her behavior or force her will to create emotion for her husband. At first she was concerned that this wasn’t action enough to bring about peace in her home, but I assured her that her peace began and ended right in her own heart. It was Ryan’s job to correct his own upset; he could take advantage of counselors’ guidance or medication, but only he could say, “I cannot live in this inner misery anymore” and begin to recover his own inherent self-esteem (RISE). When he does, his peace will be sustaining.

In the meantime, Margaret’s desire to be a loving and supportive wife despite Ryan’s treatment of her needed to be fed by an inexhaustible spiritual spring. Even though she might still feel resentment or lose her patience, by staying connected to the Kingdom of God within her those unpleasant emotions would flow through her and not impact her own self-esteem.

Margaret began to feel empowered to live her life joyfully and serenely. I assured her that if she didn’t do anything else from this point on but to look within, to meditate or pray, not in asking but just to connect with the Holy Spirit, all that she needed would be provided. She’d be equipped with the right words to speak, the appropriate compassion for her husband, patience with her children and others, and would free her own body from the weaknesses that allow disease to enter and flourish. Margaret could help Ryan and her family best by helping herself achieve peace of mind.

We ended our course of work together with a final hypnosis session. I suggested Margaret envision diving into a deep, deep well, and as she traveled down into the depths of her own sacred self, she would find that her well was connected to others. I reminded her that every single person must find his own well to draw from, and when he does, everything expands; energy is continuous and effortless. From her own spiritual well, the genuine expression of the loving emotions is ready to articulate, and need not be manufactured by the ego.

If you’re feeling emotionally exhausted, try the following meditation. Read through it first, or read it into your smart phone or other recording device:

Find a few minutes of quiet and get comfortable. Pay attention to your breathing for a minute or two to quiet your mind and concentrate on your imagination.

Imagine in whatever way feels safe and pleasant that you are diving deep within yourself. Travel in your mind into the earliest or most original part of you, and let yourself discover a small glowing spark.

This is the same spark of life that is in every other person in this world. It is simply waiting for the fuel to flare into a huge sun, to light you from within. This particular spark you imagine now is all yours.

It is a self-sustaining, beautiful spark, regenerating itself; it was never created and can never die. This is the engine of who you are. Look at it, feel it… this part of you can never be dimmed.

Imagine you can hold it in your hand, and know that this unique perfection that is yours doesn’t need to prove itself, it doesn’t need a reason to be here, or to rationalize or defend it’s existence. This part of you simply is.

It represents the I Am within you, and why you yourself are here, alive and breathing. It’s a miracle and it’s yours. Maybe others tried to make you believe that yours isn’t as important as theirs, or that yours is smaller or less significant or doesn’t deserve as much time out to play, but it’s not true. Maybe someone tried to make you believe that you should ignore yours and take care of theirs, and that if you didn’t, it would die.

Remind yourself that it’s simply not true. Everyone is the guardian of their own spark, and the extent to which you draw it out and experience it, the more it grows. Imagine you can feel the heat from it, or the cool; the vibration, the light, the very fact of it. It requires nothing except to be. And that is enough. You require nothing except to be. You are enough. This is the engine that moves you through the world. It’s the source of your motivation, inspiration, and intuition; your compassion, patience and love. All of the holy things come from here.

All you have to do is recognize, acknowledge, and pay attention to it. That’s how to fuel this spark. You don’t have to do anything else, and as you recognize that it is you and is in you, it begins to grow naturally. By giving it your attention, you’re giving it the fuel it needs to grow within you, and as it grows, your esteem, your natural sense of yourself begins to grow too.

Imagine now that in the time you’ve been considering this sacred light, it has grown to shine in you and around you. It grows in size, and your way forward is more clear. From within you know you’re making the right decisions about your life. You know you’re operating from clarity and the part of you that is immortal. This sun, because it shines as a multi-directional light source, also shines in back of you, so as you look back on your life and recall memories, you see them in the holy light of your spiritual perfection. You disengage those emotional hooks, they fall away: memories are less painful, thoughts of who you were or relationships that have extended from the past into the present are much clearer for you.

The only action necessary to bring peace and spontaneous unconditional love is to contemplate the sacredness within you. The more you bring your attention to this the more you are refreshed and the higher your RISE.

Let yourself drift off to sleep now, or slowly begin to wiggle your fingers and toes, hands and feet, and when you’re ready, open your eyes.

As you go about your day, remember that drawing from the spiritual well is not exhausting, but life-giving. Make the contemplation of your sacred self or the Holy Spirit within you a part of your regular practice, and all else will be given to you (Matt. 6:33).