That’s the issue facing a friend and client of mine who came in for a self-esteem booster shot. Claire is the mother of a child facing developmental and social challenges. Her husband is about as checked-out as a man can be: when he comes home from work he puts headphones on and listens to music, effectively ignoring his wife and daughter.
Claire’s troubles don’t begin and end in her own home, either. Her parents are both alcoholics who still play favorites with their children, pitting them against each other for the parents’ love. To this day Claire and her brothers don’t really trust each other, thanks to their parents provoking suspicions between them.
Partly in order to escape her household growing up, and partly because she believed nobody else would want her, Claire married Gordon and immediately became pregnant.
“It’s like I blinked and I’m the boring stay-at-home mom of a very difficult 10-year-old. I traded one cruddy household for another; my marriage sucks! And it’s not like I actually escaped my dysfunctional family — my parents STILL push my buttons and I STILL fall for it. Every day I ask myself, ‘How the hell did I get here?’ Then I feel guilty because I made these choices and I should suck it up.”
Claire is slowly but surely Recovering her Inherent Self-Esteem (RISE-ing). She and her brothers grew up in cauldron of Low Self-Esteem (LoSE) because their unhealthy parents couldn’t teach them to love themselves. How COULD Claire learn to value herself when her parents used her as a bargaining chip to one-up each other? How could she possibly esteem herself in a healthy way if she had to compete with her brothers in a game where the rules kept changing?
At nineteen she dropped out of college to marry Gordon who she knew even then was not right for her. But Claire felt that if she didn’t attach herself to the first man to come along who showed any interest in her, she’d be alone forever.
“It’s not like I even really wanted to be a wife and mother,” Claire shared with me. “I just thought that if I follow the rules, I will feel like everyone else seems to feel: like they’re normal, people love them, and that they fit in. That has to be the way life works, right? You do what everyone tells you or shows you is right, and in return you get the happiness as advertised. Eat this food, weigh this much, have these healthy habits, marry this kind of man, have the kids… and you’ll be living the storybook life.”
It’s no wonder Claire’s self-esteem was a rock-bottom. She followed all the rules for a happy life as she was told, yet she was profoundly unhappy and unfulfilled — which inevitably led to the conclusion that something ADDITIONAL was wrong with her.
Claire and I were sitting in my office when I asked her what would add value to her life. She blurted out a number of things she could eliminate:
- I could lose 30 lbs
- I could let go of the hurt from my parents
- I could cut my hateful brothers out of my life
- I could eliminate toxins from my diet
- I could give up trying to fit in with these social cliques at the gym
- I could give up this old idea to finish college, which I don’t even want to do anyway but can’t let go of…
- That’s it: I could learn to LET GO
Claire told me everything she could get rid of. For a LoSEr, the act of giving something up can be either easily done, fraught with peril, or both. LoSErs often feel they aren’t deserving of happiness or having their needs met, so anything associated with either isn’t hard to surrender. However, losses, wounds, and righteous anger CAN be hard to surrender because for LoSErs its often the only attention they received from a parent. It also may be the only evidence they have that they’re actually here, alive. LoSErs frequently feel invisible or invalidated, dismissed or minimized. They fact that they bear emotional injury or anger validates their feelings, and therefore their existence. Some LoSErs resort to cutting in order to ground their pain in reality.
I asked Claire once again to consider what she could ADD to her life that would increase her sense of value. She was unable to answer me.
Instead she said, “I look around at everyone in real life and on social media. They all look so happy. THEY followed the rules: they have their houses and jobs and kids and husbands. They’re at the gym together in kick-boxing class; they go out for drinks together. They got the reward, I didn’t. When I look at them I see mirrors reflecting how different I am because I’m NOT happy.”
Even when she looked at her daughter Claire saw a reflection of herself. In every challenging day with her daughter, every call from a teacher after another tantrum and meltdown, every missing invitation to a classmate’s party, Claire saw her ineffectuality as a parent, a woman, a human being. She said, “My well-being depends on her well-being.”
According to Claire, the evidence in all the world around her was a message of her worthlessness. She knew rationally that not every smiling person on Facebook was genuinely 100% happy. She knew logically that the women in her kick-boxing class weren’t rejecting or making fun of her. And Claire was deeply conflicted by a desire to belong and a need to reject those others before they had a chance to reject her. She said, “My day-to-day good feeling about myself depends on how the people around me act. If I perceive that they’re dismissing me, I feel ashamed of myself. It’s proof that I’m worth dismissing. If it seems someone is happy to see me, it just makes my day. I feel worthwhile.”
By suggesting that Claire ADD value to her life, I was hoping to shift her focus away from these “mirrors” around her. Because her LoSE affected her ability to see all goodness inherent in her own being, this exercise was an important beginning.
(For those of you who struggle to lose weight, keep in mind the idea of ADDING valuable foods to your diet. Forget eliminating certain foods or food groups; forget “giving up” and simply add healthy foods in. In addition to the junk food or carbs, be sure to add something good for you: an organic apple, lean protein, fresh vegetables. When your body is satisfied with nutritious foods, you will lose your appetite for junk; your cravings will slowly but surely turn over from the carbs, sweets, and processed foods to healthier snacks and meals).
To help her get started, I gave a few examples. Claire could add a hobby; she could add a practice or discipline such as meditation or prayer; she could add a green shake to her daily meal planning. She could add 15 minutes a day of total disconnect from technology so she could daydream about other possibilities. Regardless of what she chose to add that was valuable to her, Claire was to keep it a secret, just for herself.
The reason for this was not to encourage deception, but because Claire was at this point incapable of enjoying something of her own unless those around her approved or gave supportive feedback. Also, if it was just for her she couldn’t feel judged by others for it, nor could she compare her “progress” with anyone else’s.
After some thought Claire decided she would buy a hard cover sketch book which she could stash in her bag and write or draw in whenever she felt like it. She loved to doodle and draw patterns (early on in her life she considered textile design), and remembered that she could get lost in the simple act of drawing from her imagination.
We talked a bit more about the importance of this exercise as a value Claire was adding to her life. Therefore, she was not to criticize her drawings or edit her writing. I reminded her that WHO she is was not dependent on WHAT she did, even if it was something enjoyable just for herself.
A few weeks later we met again, and Claire was bursting at the seams to tell me all the changes in her life. For one thing, she quit the gym. She knew that to continually expose her shaky self-esteem to cliques (real or imagined) was a recipe for even lower self-esteem. Instead, she worked out at home when she had the house to herself. Next, she discontinued her social media accounts. In her conscious mind Claire knew she was seeing only the carefully edited versions of other lives, but she was also aware enough to know that subconsciously she couldn’t help contrasting her life with those edited profiles.
Claire also was reacquainting herself with how much fun she had making patterns in her sketch book. It reawakened her earlier desire to study textiles again, starting by doing her own exploring online.
Most importantly, Claire discovered that she could more easily identify OTHERS’ insecurities. In the past, comments from her brothers or parents, her husband, teachers at her daughter’s school, or other women she encountered could send her into a tailspin, triggering her own LoSE. Now Claire could see that by allowing other people to affect her self-esteem, she was totally surrendering control over her own well-being.
Now when she felt those old triggers Claire chose to listen more closely to those comments, and study more closely the source. In doing so, Claire could clearly see that most often those other people were covering for or acting out of their OWN low self-esteem. For example, one teacher at her daughter’s school was very cool and dismissive to Claire even though she regularly helped out in the classroom. In the past Claire felt that this teacher was judging her; now she could see that the teacher was likely envious of Claire’s easy way with the kids and how they all flocked to her to hear her read stories and help them with their art projects. Claire was a natural in the classroom and it showed. The LoSEr teacher compared herself to Claire, found herself wanting, and projected her own insecurities onto her.
And while Claire wouldn’t show me what was in her sketchbook she did show me what she’d written on the cover: Who I Am ≠ What I Do.
Is it possible that you, too, could add something of value into your life? Could YOU use your resources (time, energy, joy, dedication, commitment, money) on something that could actually effect a positive change in your life?
If so, start by using the power of your mind to change your thoughts. Meditate on the idea of a perfect spark within. Call it your Spirit, your Eternal Self, your Higher Mind, Life Force, or any other name that resonates with you. Consider that this continually self-fueled spark needs nothing from you to exist. It was YOU before you were born into this life, and will continue to be YOU after you shuffle off your mortal coil.
It doesn’t need you to behave perfectly, have a good marriage, be in optimal health, or have worldly successes. It is the most beautifully neutral expression of who you are. Your Spirit is completely separate from, independent of, and indifferent to whatever is going on in your environment. And while your Spirit doesn’t need you to achieve any particular goals, it IS yearning to express itself, to evolve and expand in its own way.
Make some time when you won’t be disturbed. Turn off technology and tell yourself the next several minutes are devoted to your Spirit. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths. This activity slows the brain waves down to an Alpha state, allowing your conscious mind to relax it’s high standards of criticism, and allowing your imagination to surface more easily.
You can do this next part in the quiet of your mind or actually do it with paper and pencils.
Imagine (or place) a big blank sheet of white paper in front of you. If you’re actually doing this, have some colored pencils, markers, pastels, or even paint nearby.
Imagine all your thoughts, cares, worries, and judgements drifting away for now.
Pretend that all the things you thought you knew about other people in the world just fall away.
Continue looking at the blank white paper in your mind’s eye or in front of you.
Imagine you can feel it with your fingers or let your fingers now touch the smooth surface of the paper, and let all the ways you’ve loathed, punished, or criticized yourself fall away.
You’re just face-to-face with the pure potential of this white paper.
Your body and mind continue to relax as you breathe deeply and turn your full attention to this clean slate.
Now consider: What is the first color you would add to this paper? What is your daydream blissful feeling telling you to put on it? A fine line, a broad stroke, splattered on like Jackson Pollack? What comes to mind? In your mind or in your hand, pick up a pencil or brush and add that color, line, splash, or shape onto the paper.
Give yourself permission to do whatever you want on this blank paper surface. There’s nothing between you and this expression. There’s nothing between your imagination and what you feel like putting on this paper right now.
This exercise is intentionally irrational and nonsensical. What color do you feel like? What shape? What medium? Just put it there. You’re widening that channel between your most creative inner self and its expression; your imagination and the world which is your canvas.
When you feel finished, just open your eyes or put down the pencil, marker, or brush.
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Facing that blank sheet with open-minded and open-hearted playfulness, without any expectations or drive to reproduce some worldly still life with your artistic skills, you’re reconnecting with your Spirit at the moment you come into human life. What will I create here? What will it look like? There is no WRONG way to exercise the joy of pure potential.
You are perfect inside, and the desire your Spirit has to express itself perfectly doesn’t mean it must take perfect action and do things in the perfect right time, every time. It just means most perfectly, rightly, EXPRESSED.
Your Spirit’s well-being is between you and this paper. It is created between you and how you express yourself. As you practice expressing your Spirit it gets easier to trust that what you have inside is breathtakingly gorgeous. The journey of your life to express this gorgeousness is actually delightful and fun.
Every day that you let a little bit of yourself out you’re giving yourself permission to be who you are.Sometimes it won’t be pretty, sometimes it will be so sublime that no one will get it but you. Keep your eyes on that prize, not comparing what you’re creating to what someone else is creating. You’re after the perfect expression of YOUR Spirit.
Every day you’ll grow in confidence that your expression of who you are is exactly as its supposed to be. You’ll become aware of what your Spirit is calling you to do (your mission) and how it is most easily expressed.
It will be easy to identify and set goals in the service of that mission. You’ll identify the best opportunities for you because you’ll see clearly whether they move your mission (the natural joyous expression of your Spirit) forward. if the answer is yes, you can jump into those opportunities confidently with ease and focus. The clear impetus will be the best expression of YOUR being.
Your well-being is tied up in just one thing: the expression of your being. Nothing more, nothing less. You might have been taught that it’s tied up in that of your children or parents or community groups, but that’s a false promise. Your well-being is tied up in YOUR BEING.
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