If you suffer from low self-esteem (LoSE) you’re probably frustrated by and tired of hearing simplistic instructions for improving your life. Platitudes like “Just believe in yourself!” or “Think positive!” can be at best patronizing, and at worst invalidating of the LoSEr’s personal struggles and experiences.
These sorts of instructions require a mental model that is antithetical to low self-esteem. They presume the LoSEr knows how to recover her inherent self-esteem (RISE) by using her mind. But if a person knew how to correctly use her mind this way, low self-esteem wouldn’t be an obstacle to begin with.
When you suffer from LoSE, your thoughts have been shaped by other LoSEr adults (if your low self-esteem began in childhood, as much does) and your own experiences. Both of these channels have taught you that you’re actually powerless to change because you are fundamentally flawed and unworthy of the “good life.”
Low self-esteem means you’ve forgotten that deep down inside is the very embodiment of worthiness: the creative spark of Life. Everyone who is walking around on the earth right now has the same spark within. It is an energy that is fully-formed, whole and complete; it’s missing nothing, it is faultless and perfect. It simply is. And when something simply is, it doesn’t need changing, fixing, or journeying-to; all it needs is expression.
When the spark of Life in a person is free to express itself, healthy self-esteem is an obvious byproduct. They are inseparable because they are one and the same. When we recognize our own right to life-expression, we give ourselves permission to have dreams and pursue them, to draw abundance and love and health into our lives, and to live with contentment and peace of mind. Anything is possible when the spirit within—which knows no limits— is allowed to direct our thinking.
You read that right: RISErs (those who have recovered this personal inherent self-esteem) let the unique expression of their being direct their thinking. As I talk about in my book Fix Your Screwed Up Life, RISErs follow the Be —>Feel—>Do model: they let their Being (that spirit) inspire them (give them the feeling) to use their minds to set goals and take action (do).
The RISEr mind becomes a servant of the spirit. When this happens, when the spirit of Life is given free rein, one pursues happiness, seeks out healthy relationships, endeavors to live with a purpose, and treats his own body with respect and reverence. He uses his mind to set and achieve goals in the service of this happy, thriving, fully-expressed and self-realized vital urge within.
Many LoSErs have learned something entirely different. They’ve been lead to believe that their spirit is under the control of the mind, so they suppress their dreams, minimize their needs, act according to “duty” rather than desire, and attempt to cram themselves into Somebody Else’s idea of who they should be and how they should act. If they don’t do so, they’re “bad” and they feel shame and guilt, and perpetuate the message of unworthiness. That Somebody Else could be a culture, a religion, or a family.
LoSErs follow the Do—>Feel—>Be model, which means they try to do whatever it takes or whatever someone says so they can feel worthwhile or of some modest value, which will give them enough reason or validity to be here, alive, taking up space in the world.
The LoSEr continually fails at fitting in, because despite the external and often-internalized message to be who he is not, the model is backwards. The LoSEr mind might try but will never successfully squeeze down the spirit. The spirit - eternal and divine energy - was never created and can never be destroyed. It will find a way to express itself, despite the LoSEr’s greatest efforts to numb it into oblivion. The LoSEr lives in deep conflict and pain because it’s unnatural for the mind to corral the spirit, yet we see it all the time. People live their whole lives working at jobs they hate, staying in marriages that are abusive, or living in the closet. We see the results of this suppression all the time too, in substance abuse, addictions, passive aggressive or outright aggressive behavior, and other self-destructive actions.
The LoSEr’s spirit (actually, everyone’s spirit) says to the mind: Let me thrive in my own unique way of expression! I deserve to be here! Follow me and all will be good in your world! but the LoSEr’s mind says to the spirit: You have no rights here. I’m in charge, and what I learned contradicts what you’re telling me. You follow me, and I’ll keep you small and quiet because that’s the “right” way to be.
When the mind isn’t serving the spirit but serving itself or it’s LoSE message, the mind can’t embrace those platitudes like Think Positive! Even if it could, it’s not sustainable because Think Positive! is a message that originates in the spirit. It’s the spirit’s natural way, to be positive. And when the mind is suppressing the spirit, well, you can see the futility of that particular directive.
I worked with a client who seemed to exist in two parts. Phil had a wonderful imagination, had found it possible to begin dreaming of a more fulfilling life after twenty years in a career his mother thought suited him best, but for which he was distinctly unsuited. His mother, a LoSEr with the best intentions, thought a job in accounting would guarantee respectable income for her son. She’d been a very bossy and domineering parent, though she clearly loved him and wanted what was “best for him.” Even a decade after she passed, her son found it hard to leave her chosen profession to pursue his own dreams.
Because he suffered from low self-esteem, Phil felt guilty every time he let his mind linger on this dream. His mother taught him that he “owed” her a safe livelihood. “She always used to say it was the only way she could sleep at night, knowing she wouldn’t have to worry about my finances. Then, as she was dying, she let me know she could only rest in peace if I stayed with my job and was fiscally responsible.”
Phil’s mind was continually repressing what his spirit knew would be his most fulfilling and soul-satisfying work. He had internalized his mother’s message, which was to shut down that dream and be responsible not only for his own well-being, but for her’s — even in the Afterlife! It’s a perfect example of the mind not serving the spirit.
Phil’s dream was to open a bait and tackle shop. He loved fishing and the simple but rewarding interactions with like-minded nature-lovers. He dreamed of chatting with his neighbors at the shop and greeting new folks who came to town for the fishing. He was a story-teller at heart, and imagined sitting on the porch of his shop comparing fish stories and spinning yarns.
One part of Phil seemed to exist in this dream while another part of him had become the domineering mother and moved into his own psyche. He would berate himself for breaking his promise to his mother by even considering a different occupation for himself. This constant inner tension, his logical mind constantly trying to suppress what his spirit longed to express, was untenable for Phil. Over the years since his mother’s death he’d started drinking more heavily and had gained an enormous amount of weight. His spirit wasn’t going to stop fighting to express itself, and his mind had to reach for increasingly heavy-handed distractions. Numbing that spirit with food and alcohol had become Phil’s mind’s way of suppressing that “dangerous” dream.
When Phil came to see me he was at the end of his rope. We talked for several sessions about this mind/spirit conflict and about Phil’s core needs, one of which was for his inherent life force to find a way to be fully realized. Psychiatrists have long affirmed that in order to be healthy in mind and body, our core needs must be fulfilled. Understanding those needs and making efforts to meet them is honoring the inherent self-esteem, that life force within each of us.
Yet Phil’s mind was so locked into the habit of rigid control that even after studying the Law of Attraction and reading about visualization and affirmations, he struggled to feel safe about relaxing that rigid control. So we sought another route to Phil’s spirit. Rather than a direct confrontation with his mind (Think Positive! was simply not going to work), we decided to slip around his unbending thinking mind by accessing his inherent self-esteem through his physical body.
Within the spirit’s desire for full expression and balanced health is the core human need to look after ones body. In Phil’s attempt to repress his inherent self-esteem his body became a casualty. Even if he couldn’t get his mind to stop suppressing his dream, he could get his body to stop being collateral damage. We knew that once his body was stronger, the message from his spirit would be enhanced. A healthy body that supported a healthy self-expression might just be the trick to changing Phil’s mind.
Using hypnosis and strategic planning, Phil set about changing his diet, his exercise routine, and his food preferences. In time, as he saw the pounds fall off and his strength and vigor return, Phil was empowered to tackle his rebellious mind. He began to take his revitalized body out to those streams upstate where he loved to fish, reacquainting himself with the physical joys of just being.
The human body will respond to consistent care and attention. It will respond positively to quality sleep, food, and exercise. In fact, Phil’s strategic approach to “fix” his health was the perfect task to give a controlling mind such as his. Some people think a strong will is a handicap in hypnosis, but it’s actually a boon. Hypnosis is a state of concentration and focus on a single idea; it’s the powerful conscious mind using itself to change beliefs and habits in the inner mind… where the perfect spark of Life, the Holy Spirit, the inherent self-esteem resides.
While it’s true that using his conscious mind just to think about changing his beliefs didn’t work for Phil, using that same powerful mind to change his body did.
And as his body began to thrive, Phil’s mind naturally began to change. The life force in the cells of the human body, when left to their own natural devices, strive for balance. When we get our interfering minds out of the way and let our bodies do what they are designed to do naturally — thrive — the spirit’s Life force has an avenue for expression, too.
We can’t feel great physically and be in good physical balance, and suppress our spirit’s desire for full realization. We can’t feel revitalized, rejuvenated, and energetic and ignore the other energies our perfect self-esteem wants to express. Simply put, when we feel good and feel like we look good, we tend to stop punishing ourselves.
Phil began to experience the rewards of good health: every part of his life reflected abundance and vitality. He didn’t want to suppress his inherent self-esteem anymore.
We met a few more times, one of which was a spirit communication session with his mother. From the Afterlife she let her son know that she was wrong to ask him to manage her feelings and to sacrifice his dreams so that she would feel secure. With this final “permission” from his mother to live his own life in a way that would bring him joy, fulfillment, and deep contentment, Phil created a plan to retire from his accounting job and open his shop.
The last time I heard from Phil he had his bait and tackle shop in a town in the Adirondacks and had also developed a fitness program for fishermen and -women (who knew?). He was enjoying getting to know his customers and neighbors, networking with other local business owners, and was putting together a book of recipes for local freshwater fish. Phil was happy.
If you, too, suffer from LoSE and find your thinking mind shushing your inner spirit, remember that you can support your inherent self-esteem by going around your mind. Recovering your physical health has the natural side-effect of recovering your inherent self-esteem, and when you can do that - RISE - you can do anything!
When you give free rein to your inherent self-esteem, which is perfect, eternal, always striving towards life-affirming expression, your mind must direct your actions to fulfillment of that expression. You will naturally have the confidence to recognize, acknowledge, and meet your own core needs without guilt or shame. You will no longer suppress your reason to be here on this earth, your own unique purpose, in order to manage Someone Else’s feelings or live Someone Else’s life.
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